I know not how much longer I will be able to continue this horrible struggle with the demon. I fear I may lose my resolve to keep fighting should my dear sweet Victoria not arrive soon. My need to hear her sweet lovely voice grows greater with each passing day. Only my memories of her keep me from casting myself though the vale at death's door and into the eternal rest offered by the beyond. Soon, I must find some escape from that sound, that horrible, unceasing, inescapable, sound! Soon, I must find some escape from that pain. Soon I must!February 20, 1894It gives me no rest! Again my tormentor came to me spewing forth it foul noise as it tore into the flesh of my shoulders with its claws. All I can feel now is the pain it has left me with. I believe it does so just to remind me of what I must fear upon its return. And the pain, that agonizing pain, the agony is everywhere the demon's razor sharp claws pierced my flesh like molten hot knives carving and ripping at me as if I were but. As I varied mygrip and moved my hand slightly up and down, it greweven larger, and harder. It was getting more and more difficult to take my timeabout this. I let go of him and with both hands grippedhis jeans and jerked them down, then I pulled hisjockeys down with another lack of delicacy. His penisleapt free. I took it full in my hand, and it felt hotenough to burn me. I leaned my face towards its end,and the musky smell of him hit me in the face.Intellectually I knew that I should be repulsed, but ona deeper level I relished the smelled. I drew a deepbreath in through my nose to let the scent fill mybrain like a pull on an opium pipe, and it thrilled me. As I began to working my hand up and down, I broughtthe end up and my lips down for a gentle dry kiss onthe glans. Then I wet my lips and opening my teethwhile pursing my mouth I pushed it down over the glans.The taste of him blasted full in my mouth, and again Iwas mentally slammed by the repulsion/ecstasydichotomy. But now even.
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